Constructive Feedback v. Destructive Criticism

Depending on the country that you are from, feedback is perceived differently. In Japan, receiving feedback is welcomed and appreciated. In the U.S., however, people are very sensitive to the feedback from others.

When people are presented with information that is in conflict with their world view, they can often become defensive. This is because they perceive the information as a threat to what they are doing and who they are. Therefore, one must be very careful in providing feedback.

Because of the sensitivity of most people to getting feedback, we usually refrain from providing others feedback. This can be disastrous in a work environment. If good information is not provided, poor decisions can be made, which can ultimately diminish the company's bottom line.

The value of feedback is that information can be passed, assimilated, and processed to help make better decisions.
Criticism is the opposite of feedback. Criticism of others comes from judging and blaming. It tears people down, rather than builds them up. It lowers self-esteem. Criticism often tells people they did a poor job or are lacking without offering how they could improve.

There are two types of criticism: constructive and destructive. Constructive criticism is essentially the same as feedback, which is the ideal. Destructive criticism is that which diminishes another's self-esteem.

The distinction between feedback and criticism can be a narrow one. One may intend to provide feedback and avoid criticizing, but the other person still reacts poorly. This can be very frustrating. What's the difference?

Criticism comes from the provider's state of mind. The provider of criticism does not care where the other person is coming from and already assumes that the other person is guilty or wrong. Feedback, however, is positioned with the assumption that the other person is a good and righteous person.

There are two steps in providing feedback: (1) ask for permission, and (2) use a depersonalized approach.

First, it is important to ask for permission before providing feedback because you are entering another's personal space. The recipient will be much more receptive when they have a choice and are not being imposed upon.
What if they decline feedback or become highly resistant during feedback? Answer: STOP.

If you continue, you are now being abusive. The objective has shifted from other-centric to ego-centric. The feedback has now become criticism.

I'm sure you have heard the expression, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." Everyone has free will and has the prerogative to listen and process information or not.

Second, communicate the feedback in a way that is not personal. Here are some depersonalized feedback considerations:

• Protect the individual's self-esteem at all costs.
• Ask the person questions to get them to think and come up with the conclusions on their own. 
• Avoid using the word, "you." Instead, use the word "I."
• Discuss the situation itself or use examples in your life.
• Focus on the future, rather than the past.
• Get clear agreement on what, when, and how to change.
• Offer assistance.
• Assume the other wants to do a good job.

After some time, you may revisit the conversation to follow-up or reengage. It is okay to be persistent. You must be persistent if the information you have is critical to the company and/or the person's success in the company, but you must communicate on their terms in order to have them absorb the feedback properly.

In conclusion, feedback is vital to a company's success. Be persistent in providing feedback while assuming the other person is good and righteous. Ask for permission and depersonalize the approach. Don't force the issue or repeat yourself. Come back if necessary. Be gentle.

Referenced: Tracy, Brian. (1993) Maximum Achievement. (pp. 76-77). New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.

Audio Field: 

feedback-v-criticism.mp3